When Something's Lost
by Feralious
Summary: “House, you’ll only realize how much something’s worth to you after you’ve lost it.” “Impossible. If something’s important to me I never would’ve lost it in the first place.” House/Wilson, slash.


**A/N: **I've been wanting to write a House, M.D. fanfic for quite some time now and I finally got some free time on my hands, so I thought: let's get it over with! Well, and this is the result. Didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, but I don't think it's that bad. I hope you'll enjoy the story and please let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own House, M.D., the characters or the songs used in this fic. They all belong to their respective owners.

* * *

_You spurn my natural emotions  
you make me feel like dirt and it hurts  
And if I start a commotion  
I run the risk of losing you and that's worse_

_Ever fallen in love with someone  
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone  
Ever fallen in love  
In love with someone you shouldn't've fallen in love with?_

* * *

Wilson knew House was a damaged man. A broken, hollow man. But there was something inside him that made him believe that he could take it all away, that he could fill the emptiness in his heart. Wasn't someone to love everything House needed? It wasn't possible someone could be this miserable and be okay with it. According to Stacy he'd always been this way, but Wilson liked to believe that the real House just never had shown himself. He refused to think that the House he knew was the only one he'd ever know. 'Cause if that were true, he'd fallen in love with someone incapable of loving him back. Did House really want someone to love him? Or was it just his imagination?

"Greg, I love you." Soft fingers traced a rough jaw. "You know that, right?"

House snorted and didn't waste any more time. He firmly pressed his lips against the other's, hungrily, possessively. It was his way of showing his affection, Wilson thought, giving in to the desperation that seemed to radiate from the man kissing him. Their kisses were never soft, never gentle. It was always like this. House was in control, never listening to anyone but himself.

But this couldn't be just about pleasure. Wilson knew House had had his fair share of hookers, so if he wanted to get laid, he could just call for one – they were probably under his speed dial anyway. So this must be the real deal, right? He was sure House felt the same way as he did underneath that cold attitude, he just didn't want his feelings to show. Wilson knew why and he didn't ask for it. He loved House the way he was and he knew he could never change him. So he let it be.

Yet it never left the back of his mind.

* * *

"Greg, we need to talk."

"Don't speak. I know plenty more things I can do with that pretty mouth of yours." A smirk appeared on his face, his ice blue eyes fiercely staring into Wilson's. He made an attempt to grab his chin but his hand got seized halfway in midair.

"I'm serious, Greg."

"You don't know how serious I am. Now let go of me." As always House never tried to hide his true intent in his voice. It was clear he was dead serious. Wilson shook his head.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you."

"Oh crap, you're not going to bug me about love stuff, are you?"

He swallowed. A big lump seemed to have formed in his throat. "Actually..."

"Not interested. Now give me what I want."

"Not until you say you love me."

House didn't respond immediately. Then, after a few moments of silence, he slowly said: "You know I'm not a man of words."

Wilson nodded. He felt a hand snaking up on his and grabbing hold of it.

"I can show you, though."

A small smile fleeted across his face as his lips were once again met by the other man. This was probably the most of a love confession he'd ever get from House.

* * *

It didn't take very long until things changed after that, but not for the better. The very few gentle things House used to say completely disappeared and their kisses grew empty and became just harsh contacts of flesh between two men, desperate for each other. Or at least Wilson was. He was desperate for a sign from House, he wanted a confirmation that they were still okay.

But deep inside he knew they weren't. Just like he knew they'd never been.

* * *

"I'm moving out, House."

No response, just a questioning look. He didn't seem to care at all. Heavily leaning on his cane he just stared at him.

"You don't want to know why?" Wilson crossed his arms and felt the anger inside him grow. An anger he'd kept bottled up inside for a long time now.

"I know why." House looked at the ground, then back up at him. "I don't love you."

Wilson blinked, holding back the tears. "You don't love me. Okay. Well, that's what I figured, too."

House grimaced. "I told you so in the beginning. You should've listened. I said I'm impossible to love and therefore I can't love anyone but myself."

"But I love you," Wilson replied. "Greg, I love you, dammit! Why can't you see it? I've loved you for so long now and just when I thought you felt the same about me –"

"You didn't think I loved you. You wanted me to love you. Those two are completely different things and aren't connected to each other in any possible way." House's voice grew louder and he spat the words at him, not caring if they might hurt. "You wanted me to love you and I simply gave in to your needs! And now suddenly it's not good enough anymore? What do you want, James? What do you want from me? Do you want me to kiss you and pretend like I love you? Would that make you happy? 'Cause believe me, and I should know, it's better to live a real life than pretend to live!"

"Then why'd you pretend you loved me?" The hurt was clear in his fragile voice, but House didn't care. He'd been waiting for this moment and now it was time to make things perfectly clear.

"I never said I loved you. Everything we did… I had no reason. I know you can't understand that, but it's true, James, this is true. I don't love you and I never have."

Wilson wondered why he didn't break then and there. Probably because deep inside he'd known this all along. He'd figured it out a long time ago, early in the morning, after another night of emotionless passion. He had felt that the kisses had held no meaning, that the touches had held no warmth. And yet he had pretended nothing was wrong for all this time.

"Then what about our friendship?"

"I've never been really fond of friends. You know that. Even though I push you away you always come back, whining about me being miserable and that humans need friends. Well I don't need them, apparently you do. If you want to chase me around, fine, I don't care. It never hurts to spend a Friday night with beer and pizza in company, if you pay that is."

"You want to be miserable." House didn't oppose him.

"You push everyone away who wants to make you feel better. First Stacy, now me. Greg, can you swear you really don't want anyone to care about you? Is it true you don't love me or do you just want to wallow yourself in pity? 'Cause I can live with that, you know. It'd be much more bearable if I knew you cared about people without showing them how you feel instead of –"

"I don't." His hand clenched shut around the handle of his cane. "James, I don't. It's not that I don't pretend I don't care to look cool. I just don't care."

"Greg, tell me one thing. Does it really not bother you that you hurt other people?"

House closed his eyes for a few seconds. Then he opened them. "No. Otherwise I wouldn't've told you all this, right? I would've kept silent, let you think that we were a happy couple with nothing to worry about. I would've let you keep your fantasy."

"I think you care."

"No, you want me to. See, you make the same mistake again. It's not always about you, Wilson. Think about me for once. You can't change who I am. You're better off without me."

"You know what, that's probably true. But that doesn't mean I want to, Greg. I want to be with you."

"You can't. Even if I don't destruct you, you'll end up destructing yourself. I can't love you."

"You can't or you won't?"

"Both. Now are you moving out or what?"

Wilson let out a sigh. "You really want me to go?"

"You're the one who said he was moving out. I don't really care. It's nice to have someone around to do your laundry, but –"

"House, I get it. You can stop now. Really. You've done enough."

"Aw, did I break poor Wilson's heart?"

Wilson looked at him, his eyes fierce and resolute. It was almost like House enjoyed himself, smirking as he stood there. "Yeah. But hey, you know what it feels like."

House stared at him for a while, then came closer. The tapping of his cane was the only sound that could be heard in the hallway. When they were face to face, he lifted his chin so Wilson had no choice but to look at him.

"One more kiss."

"I thought you didn't give a crap about me?"

"It's not for you. It's for me." And with that he closed the gap between their lips.

The kiss was the softest and sweetest one Wilson had ever experienced, not only during the time he'd been with House but in his whole life this was absolutely the best kiss he'd ever shared with someone.

It didn't last long though. After what seemed like only a second they broke apart, just staring at each other. House didn't look any different than before, his face composed, his eyes piercing. Wilson knew he wouldn't change his mind.

He grabbed his suitcases and turned around, heading for the door. House followed, opening it for him as his hands were full. When Wilson stepped through the doorway he turned around. He didn't exactly know why, he just wanted to say one last thing to the man he loved.

"House, you'll only realize how much something's worth to you after you've lost it."

"Impossible. If something's important to me I never would've lost it in the first place."

With that, Wilson left, finally able to let the tears roll down his face without the other man noticing. House stood in his doorway, watching his back. He knew he'd ruined his life. He knew he ruined something that could've been beautiful. He lost him. But he was miserable. He wasn't worth it. He couldn't let Wilson feel the same pain as he did. And this way, he might never come back.

* * *

_What could you possibly want from me  
Can't you see I'm already gone  
Everything we thought we'd be  
I still don't feel sorry for this loss_

_I will not waste a moment thinking these thoughts  
Forgetting comes easy, I never cared at all  
Hurt became hate now I'm feeling the strain  
There's just too much pain_

_

* * *

_

The first lyrics are originally from The Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've?) though I prefer Billy Talent's cover by far and the last are from Crossfade - Already Gone.

**A/N: **This is supposed to be a one shot, but I might make it a two shot with House's view of things. I'm not promising anything though. It all depends on how much time I have and if I can do it. It happens to me a lot that I want to do something and in the end I never get around to doing it... Hehe.


End file.
